...the straight face.
----- Original note -----
Date: Sep.19.2005 09:58
From: mr-kossi
To: MisterChris
Subject: From the desk of Mr. Anthony Kossi.
Mr. Kossi (edited): Dear Friend, I am MR Anthony Kossi. The director in charge of auditing and account ingsection of Habic Togolaise Banque (HTB) Lome-Togo in West Africa with due respect and regard. I have decided to contact you on a business transaction that will be very beneficial to both of us at the end of the transaction .During our investigation and auditing in this bank, my department came across a very huge sum of money belonging to a deceased person who died on November 1st 1999 in a plane crash and the fund has been dormant in his account with this Bank without any claim of the fund in our custody either from his family or relation before our discovery to this development…
MC: That is absolutely terrible. Please let me know how I can be of assistance. My resources will be at your disposal!
Mr. Kossi (edited): Thanks for your response to my proposal. God in his infinity mercy has greated an opportunity for us. Considering the confidentiality and secrecy involved in this transaction. We have fully put everything in place and since this is not an opportunity open to everybody, we do not see anything wrong or “fraudulent” in what we are doing as long as we are not hurting who should not be hurt period. I need your response as soon as possible so that I will know what your position is before I give you details of the project. I awaits your urgent response….
MC: Oh my. That is truly a tragic story. I’m sad for all involved. Thank you for taking the time to further explain the history, it makes me feel more comfortable with this business transaction. I also feel strongly compelled to help because I, too, have suffered loss. Not anything as devastating as losing a parent or sibling, but the loss of my childhood dog, Mr. Nibbles. He was like family to me. He was always there waiting when I got off the school bus, or sitting under the dining room table patiently waiting for me to throw him a scrap of my mother’s boiled fruit and tofu surprise or religiously licking his crotch on the foot of my bed every night. You could even say he was my best friend. But one day he got into the cleaning products and “nibbled” on something he shouldn’t have. I came home from school to find him dead on our kitchen floor after trying to vomit up his pancreas. It was several years until I could look at my mother’s fruit and tofu surprise without crying. Anyway, I’d be honored to help in any way I can. And not just for the Billings family…but for the memory of Mr. Nibbles as well! May this business transaction help them all rest in peace. Please let me know what you want me to do. Thanks, Chris
Mr. Kossi: Ok, you have to send to me you private email so that I can send to you the application text which you will fill and send to the bank. So that we can be expecting their response. Also, I will like you to send to me your telephone number so that I can call you be for I close work for the day. I awaits your response so that I can send to you the application. - Anthony Kossi.
MC: I'm sorry I took so long. I was making a personal pizza by using an English Muffin, spaghetti sauce, and topping it off with a healthy squirt of cheese wiz. If you want I can send you the recipe. Oh wait, I just did. Anyway, my email address is misterchris@blackplanet.com and my phone number is 617-861-3962. However, my big brother Claudius is a jerk. If you call and get hung up on or some sort of goofy message it’s him acting like a jerk. He’s always doing stuff like that. And honestly, I think he purposely fed Mr. Nibbles those cleaning products. He thinks he’s being funny but in reality he’s just being hurtful. I hate him so much sometimes!!! I glad he was born with an extra ear! So, if he answers the phone or does something stupid, just call back and I’ll pick it up after he falls asleep. He spends most of afternoon watching Judge Judy and the People’s Court, but for some reason he always falls asleep during Judge Hatchett. He has three ears but can only watch two shows….go figure. Do you have any brothers or sisters Mr. Kossi?
Mr. Kossi: I have sent the application to you email. So check and fill it carefully and send it to the bank by email info_htbtg@bankersmail.com like I directed you. Get me informed as soon as you send it ok.
MC: So, I take it you’re an only child. That’s cool. I wish I were an only child. Well, I just wanted to write and inform you that I have received the bank application. But in the process of filling it out I noticed that it required a fax number. I don't have a fax machine. Claudius has one, for some stupid business venture he's doing with beanie-babies or mail order brides or something stupid like that, but I don't think he'll let me use it. He has a sign that says "keep out" on his bedroom door. I could use the fax machine at Kinko's but they are all the way across town, I'd need to take the bus to get there, and if the bank is going to fax me the 8.5 million I think one of the workers might steal it before I get there. Those people, that work there are all Black and Dominican...they’d definitely steal it and spend the money on chicken. I'm sorry, I really want to help, but I don't want to screw up this transaction because I don't have a fax machine. Is there anyway around this? Please let me know, Chris
Mr. Kossi: Thanks Chris, for informing me, I sending you another application without fax. Fill it and send to the bank. Anthony Kossi.
MC: Claudius just snuck up behind me, snatched the bank application and read it. He said I could get in trouble for saying I am Mr. Billings' cousin. I told him that you said it was alright and explained the situation, but then he said that you were lying. I think Claudius is just being his usual bone-head jerkity-jerk self. He’s just mad because people have moved on from beanie-babies back to the munchie-chies….which were never cool in the first place. Personally I’ve always like the Smurfs. Anyway, it got me thinking….in case the bank does start to ask questions that I should be prepared to answer them. Like what was Mr. Billing’s favorite food? Does he have any distinguishing moles or birthmarks? What are his views on Gay marriage and should Gay couples be allowed to adopt. After sex does he like to snuggle or does he just curl up in the fetal position and cry? As I’ve stated I’d very much like to help, but this is such a large sum of money I think we should be prepared for the unexpected. So if you could provide me with a little personal info about Mr. Billings I will happily send the application to the bank. The first thing I’m going to do with my share of the money is hire someone to kill Claudius.
Mr. Kossi: I am sorry i have to leave for now, I got an urgent call, I have to attend to some people. I will login later. Do let me know as soon as you send the application ok. Anthony Kossi.
MC: Ok, Mr. Kossi. I understand. Hey, if it's the bank calling about the money tell them that I have the application ready to send out. So when you do log back in tell me Mr. Billing's personal information and I will send it. How long will it be before we start to see some of the money? I am planning on hiring a witch doctor to turn Claudius into my zombie slave after I have him killed and the witch doctor said he'd need fifty dollars upfront. Hey, I just figured out another way I can help you...
Mr. Kossi: Forget it!! And how do you think you can help me??? Just do send application ok, and let me know. Anthony Kossi.
MC: Well, first I can help you come up with a much better story than this. I’m a storyteller….and you sir, are not.
