It’s important that my morning coffee be just right. Regular coffee drinkers feel me. Add one extra sugar or 2% milk instead of cream and you run the risk of having your day spin out of control. So when I find spot that can make that good cup o’ joe I stick to it faithfully….through the good and the bad. Well, the bad’s been happening lately in form of a new employee. Either she’s the owners daughter or she was sick the day they showed the training video. Either way she cannot make MY coffee. No matter how slow I give her the order she’s always giving me back something different. And most of the time it tastes like she used dishwater as a base for the brewing. Yuck. It got so bad that I noticed she mainly worked the drive-thru, so I would make it a point to park, get out of my car, check to make sure she was still in back, then go inside. Well, I don’t know if she likes me or she’s trying to kill me with that witches brew she’s dishing out but last Wednesday she surprised me by popping from out back, getting in my face with that “Hey…I recognize you!” smile, and asking, “Can, I help you?” Honestly, I tried to play it off like I was studying the pastries and I didn’t hear her…but then she gets right directly in front of my line of vision and asks again.

*Damn.*

“Umm…small regular, please.”

I had given up on detailed orders as they seemed to only make matters worse.

So, I’m crossing a parking lot, coffee in hand, about to jump on the subway, and rather than risking a day full of caffeine withdrawal symptoms I’m trying to suck this horrible concoction down. And I’m thinking to myself, “Damn, she got me…..again.” when suddenly a pick-up truck turns into the parking lot and guns right towards my direction. I thought that the driver saw me and was going to slow down until I got on the sidewalk. Well, he didn’t slow down and forced me to jump back like a cat in a video rewind sequence. It was on some real Matrix sh*t. As the nose of the truck brushed past my stomach I immediately turned my head to see who was behind the wheel. I got a glimpse of the driver. Then a glimpse of the black side view mirror. Then all I saw was light. And I vaguely remember seeing a brief flash of my childhood puppy that ran away and got hit by a car.

“Norton? Is that you buddy?”

“……..Norton???”

Now, it must be in human nature that any time one trips, falls, or generally busts their *ss that they must spend no more than 1.2 seconds on the ground then hop to their feet before they realize if they are hurt or not. Because, that’s exactly what I did. Then I ran up to truck to confront the driver. As soon as the door opened I greeted a middle-aged Spanish cat with a hostile “WTF?!?!”. (You know how we get.) He responded with a barrage of apologies and excuses. I was shaking. He was shaking…then he began hugging me. I looked at his truck…a company vehicle. I looked at his face….almost in tears. I looked at my coffee cup on the ground….coffee everywhere. I calmed down and said, “It’s cool, man. I’m ok” I patted him on the chest and broke away from his embrace. “I gotta get to work.”

On the train I thought about the driver and how relieved he must have been not to have to face any legal actions or the possibility of losing his job. And I chuckled, because he had no idea how relieved I was not to have to drink that cup of coffee.

Once at work, I restarted my day with another cup.

I just found out that a second opinion is going to cost me another $300. Damn, I didn't even realize I was bending over.

Just bought a new cap and I'm rockin' a soul patch. Ahhhh yeah, let cookout season begin. Pull up a chair, grab your brew, and bop your head with me.

I just paid two hundred and fifty dollars to have someone tell me my plan won't work.

Then he has the nerve to ask to use the bathroom.

>:(

It felt like I got p*ssed on twice.

The chili is getting thicker.

Start of a new week and through the rain I’m feeling more stubborn than chili stains on a wedding dress. That bountiful bean dish has nothing on me. Forget the bleach and other harsh detergents. I get all up in the fabric to the point that my mark is ugly and beautiful at the same time.

In a Nutshell

1. Friday I shut off the computer and joined the rest of Boston’s social misfits in the only two words that seem to bring people out of hibernation by the dozens. Bar Crawl.
2. Five out of ten bars isn’t bad, especially when you have ten out of ten tasks to complete in the morning. Plus, it’s always been my experience that after bar number eight people are all set to provide new footage for the tv show “Cops”. Time to bounce.
3. After going to a cigar bar for the first time I’ve decided that I’d rather be shackled in a Texas hot box with a pile of cow manure during the peak days of summer.
4. I spent months looking for the ceramic tile that matches my kitchen floor without success. So at home this weekend I could be found on all fours, ripping up 160 square feet of perfectly good tile. Heartbreaking.
5. Back pain + unfinished work + an inbred stubbornness = a week off from the gym.
6. It seems to me that the tighter a deadline is the greater people’s expectations become.
7. And I now insist that my coworkers only call me by the name “Chocolate Thunder, Boy Wonder” Anything else is an insult.
8. I’ve been listening to the new Ill Bill lately. The beats are bangin’ and once I get past the ignorance he spits he's saying some sh*t. Hypocritical, maybe. Disturbing, most definitely.
9. People love telling me their problems and I’m like, “Come on now….I’m about one tax bill away from starting my own religious cult (women only) and moving up to the mountains to live in isolation. What makes you think I have the answer?”
10. Today on the train the woman sitting next to me seemed offended when I asked her if she had stepped in something. Upon checking her stilettos she realized she did.
    
    

One thing that I love about my job is that I can listen to music while I work. (And on the real, if I couldn't I wouldn't be working here.) On the average day I'm listening to beats for six hours straight. With that type of volume one tends to exhaust a personal collection of music in a couple of weeks. So, to keep things fresh I end up looking towards internet radio streams. For a while I was pretty satisfied with this one station I found. It offered a variety of artists that I wasn't familiar with, freestyles, b-sides, re-mixes, turntablists, and no commercials. Yeah, it kept my head moving to all points on the compass and tested the springs on my ergonomic chair for quite a while. That is until one day the music stopped and I got a pop up message saying: "You have exceeded your listening allowance for the day. To continue please upgrade to Premium Membership"

Yeah, screw that.

I'm out.

Well, while I was in search for a simple replacement gem I've unearthed what seems to be the entrance to an untapped mine. Ha! I love it when that happens. But what I love even more....is sharing the love.

Enjoy.

I’ve never seen a ghetto bird. But, I’ve seen all black rhinos with rims and illegal tints. Just sitting in the middle of the intersection. Indifferent to the crows, leaving the nest to find food for their young. Just blue eyes flashing in the grill, as to say this block no longer belongs to you. In fact, I saw two just this morning. Which I found strange. My mini urban obstacle course….paths, side streets, detours, and vehicular Jedi Tricks. I am constantly etching out routes through my mental grid...along with the other six billion of us...all bouncing off each other like unstable parts of the same molecule. I am tired.

Gotta love this guy
"Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true."
- Homer J. Simpson

In a Nutshell

1. The new Reks is killin’ em.


2. I’ve decided on a plumber and electrician….keep your fingers crossed.


3. In one weekend you can spend $2784.12 at HomeDepot, Lowes, and Grossman’s Bargain Outlet without winning a shopping spree. The spree would have been nice though.


4. I’ve found a new diet. I eat whatever I want then combine it with beastly workouts, insomnia, and stress. I lost 5lbs without even knowing it.


5. Serenading your Mom with “I’ll always love my mama” on Mother’s Day is my signature move…..Trademark suckas.


6. I traded in going to see the DMC Regional Finals this Friday for a trip to the mall and a good night sleep. Oh, Chris what happened to you?


7. My boy tells me he almost got into a DWI accident on Friday. He’s a good storyteller, and the way he told it was humorous. Unlike the talk we had afterwards.


8. Everyone at my job seems to be focusing on someone who hasn’t been doing their job. It’s good to know I wasn’t crazy.


9. Overall work has been busy. Juggling multiple projects and emergencies. I'm getting alot of management experience. Unfortunately they are with people I shouldn't have to manage.


10. I took a day for myself. Just walked around the city, took some pictures, got a chocolate milkshake, and saw a movie. Even the sun gotta chill.

Snitchie McSnoop of the Bush Shadow Cross Clan

Pretty stupid name, huh?

Admittedly so, but it’s not without warrant. Follow the reasoning.

Snitchie McSnoop is the type of name given to a man that:

when you first move into the neighborhood everyone has something negative to say about him, but you are not one to listen to the he-say-she-say and decide to give him a fair one;

does not have a job (at least one that anyone knows of) and can be found creeping around the perimeters of his property, peeping in adjacent houses, yards, and trash cans;

always seems to be angry, maybe for the fact that his life has more years associated to it than options;

proclaims to be a “Man of God” then goes into detail of how he would shoot the Reverend if he ever looked at his wife again;

has called the police on neighbors for as so much as putting up a birdhouse on their property without a city permit;

was the sole supporter of a criminal who held an elderly woman from the neighborhood captive in her own house;

does not have anything good to say about anyone;

surprises you when he pops out of nowhere to offer his assistance;

does not surprise you when he then says his assistance comes at a price;

gets a little salted when his offer is graciously declined;

comes back with a trivial matter and threatens you with a lawsuit.

Come on, dog. Your fair one has just expired. You messed up.

Now, Snitchie McSnoop is the type of name that is born on a day when you’re heated and can be found on your porch, killin’ Coronas with a couple of your Aces. In that setting it’s hard not to start thinking and get amped. But one of your buddies is a high school teacher and the other is on parole. Starting to wild would not be good for anyone. So after about a case and a few “if this were a few years ago” stories a name is born.

Now when I see him I say, “Wassup Snitchie” He doesn’t seem to like it, but my neighbors have taken a shining to it. And I laugh. And I will continue to laugh until he makes his second mistake by knocking on my door. Then playtime’s over. I might be young, and at certain things I might be inexperienced, but on that day he’ll find out the one thing I’m definitely not…the Reverend.