Continued Ups and Downs
This morning I woke up from a restless three hour sleep to see her standing in the doorway. She stood very silent and relaxed as if she had been wrapped up in my arms all night. But she was not….my arms remained as empty as the place in my head she normally occupies. And she just stood there…knowing I missed her…knowing I was wondering where she had been…knowing that she had left me with my demons….knowing I HATE the feeling of NOT knowing. But she just stood there, with a look on her face that expected me to get out of bed and embrace her.
Now, some would say I’m soft. But, I’m not…I’m stubborn. I know we can work. And I honestly cannot picture my life…where we don’t work. I know there is something about me she likes…something she needs. Why else would she keep coming back?
So…I walked up to her, placed my lips on her forehead, and whispered, “Look…baby…I know I’ve been working a lot on the house lately. And yes…when I went out with my boys last week…I admit…I chose to check them instead of staying home with you. And then there’s my job…well…that’s a whole ’nother monster I don’t even wanna get into. But, you know me better than anyone else…so, you have to understand….I have certain responsibilities now...and expectations to live up to. I have not been neglecting you…in fact, I’ve been bustin’ my @ss everyday just so we can be together…without any restrictions or worrying about how the gas bill will get paid or where we’re gonna live next month. And listen…just because I’m not here 24/7 doesn’t automatically mean I’m not thinking about you or that I forgot about you. Come on now…that don’t even sound right.”
She stood in the doorway, unconvinced…so I continued.
“What? You really think that I’ve forgotten about you? Lemme tell you a lil’ somethin’. I walk out of this house everyday with two thoughts in my head. One…I wish I didn’t have to leave you. Two…I can’t wait to see you when I get back home. And for you to stand there like, “Oh Chris, you’ve been neglecting me.” absolutely blows my mind. Lemme ask you this…how in the hell can I forget about you when just about everything I come in contact with reminds me of you? I see you in magazines, billboards, television, clothing….everywhere. I’m not playin’! When I was out with _______ and _______ last week, at the end of the night I was sittin’ by myself at the station, waiting for the last train, half drunk, eating a steak n’ cheese. While I sat on the bench I looked through the open roof to a pale orange moon set in a dark violet backdrop. By itself it was nothing. But combined with the complementary hues in the architecture, the lighting on a nearby brick building, the miscellaneous late night faces who would stumble past, and the eerie calm you get when 95 percent of the city’s population is fast asleep…it was like a surreal movie played in slow motion. I thought all that it needed was a soundtrack. Something like...”You got me”, by the Roots. And why does sitting drunk at a train station have me thinking of you? Because YOU were the one who showed me how to see all those things! You taught me how to see beauty in the ordinary! Now, I can’t go anywhere without seeing a reminder of you! But when I get home to share this…and build something from it…you’re out…you’re not here.”
She remained emotionless…so I proceeded to erupt.
“Oh, and that just means absolutely nothin’ to you, right?! Maybe if you showed a little bit more discretion over who you spent your time with, me tellin’ you some heart-felt sh*t would actually mean somethin’ to you…and you wouldn’t just stand there like my name was Theodore Nobody! You must really think I’m stupid. Yeah, I saw you!!! Yeah, Miss Slick Sh*t…YOU!!! I’ve been seein’ you…runnin’ with those little corny dudes!!! Yeah, that’s right…all posted up on his arm, making his tight Armarni shirt wearin’ @ss look like a lucky punk. I SAW YOU!!! Look do you really think I need you? Do you really think that this door won’t close, lock, and leave you outside with Joe Wack and his misconceptions of what hot is? You of all people know my name. And at the end of the day…it’s just me. And you are no exception to that rule. And don’t think you’re being slick by sittin’ up in my face and sayin’ “Yeah, so I was with him.” because…I know about the women, too. Yeah, the women. How can I not? You’ve been everywhere! I even saw you on the internet. My man pointed out a couple of sites…so I took me a look. And there you were…and it was obvious that you had been makin’ them losers you’ve been hangin’ with start to feel themselves a little…givin’ MY sh*t away to total strangers!!! And here I am working for us…lookin’ like a chump. How…do you think…that makes me feel?!! I said… how do YOU think that makes ME feel!?!! HOW THE F*CK DO YOU THINK THAT MAKES ME FEEL!?!!!!!!”
She threw her hands in my face and turned towards the street…so out of desperation I threw my words around her waist.
“All right…look, look, look, look, look, look …LOOK!!! All right, come on, slow down. Look, just let me tell you how that makes me feel….then you can go. I need you to understand this, just this one thing…then you can just do whatever. Just listen to me. When I see you with other people…I feel like…well…like that could be me. I see the expressions of sanctity on their faces and the way they walk…as if they were part of some exclusive club for the enlightened. And the sight of them feels like little pins sticking into my soul because at one time…that was me…walking with you as if I were emancipated. And what hurts the most is if I didn’t have all this bullsh*t going on…that could be me…again…that could be us. Listen...remember when we first met? I couldn’t have been more than 8 years old…riding in the car with my Dad to Providence. Of all places, I saw you off the expressway, under an overpass…do you remember what colors you were wearing? No? You were draped in shades of red and gold…looking like a young sighting of the Madonna. Blessing a forgotten landscape and giving people in despair a glimpse of hope. As we entered the city I saw you again at a corner store, again at the bus stop, and then again at my father’s building…each time more breathtaking than the next. Yeah, that’s when I nervously picked up a marker and asked you to be a part of my life…you looked at my amateurish scribble, blushed, and said “Yes”. We spent a lot of time together back then, didn’t we? Yeah, those were good times…“sigh”….I don’t know how things got so f*cked up. Well…yeah I do…I got f*cked up. Me and this “I can juggle heaven and earth” attitude while being blindfolded with machismo. That’s why I didn’t see you fall to the ground. But that’s my shortcoming, that’s my fault…I don’t want you to leave me for it. I want to apologize for neglecting you, I want you to trust me, and I want you to see that you are the motivation for everything I do.”
Her icy stare softened, so I drew closer and put her hands in mine.
“Look…I don’t want to come off as sounding corny or cliché…but I know that this is not the first time a man has expressed himself to a woman, so I might be repeating something my father said at one time to my mother …or something I’ve seen in a movie. But let me assure you, the source of my words is real. I want you to know that…without you…I am nothing. Without you…my world is a grimy concrete bed, blanketed by cold grey drizzle in a night that never ends. Without you…all I can see is the equivalent of a bread and water diet, never questioning anything’s meaning, purpose, or possible alternative on the menu. Without you…all of my accomplishments will become the object of misdirected blame and resentment as they get discarded along with all of my future dreams, hopes and ambitions for happiness. Without you…my soul is one blunt and empty over-proof bottle away from being back at that train station, except the Roots would now be replaced by John Lee Hooker’s “Burning Hell” as every train that passes by adds one year to my life. Without you…I simply would have had no reason to get out of bed this morning...or open my eyes. Without you...I might as well have been born blind. So for all those reasons…and more…I need you. Without you…I cannot be Chris. In fact, without you…I don’t know who I’d be. And…that scares me. Listen…I need you. For all the things you've helped me see...you have to see that in my eyes. Without you…I am nothi….”
She stopped me with a soft kiss...
And once again I started to see the beauty in things.
Now, some would say I’m soft. But, I’m not…I’m stubborn. I know we can work. And I honestly cannot picture my life…where we don’t work. I know there is something about me she likes…something she needs. Why else would she keep coming back?
So…I walked up to her, placed my lips on her forehead, and whispered, “Look…baby…I know I’ve been working a lot on the house lately. And yes…when I went out with my boys last week…I admit…I chose to check them instead of staying home with you. And then there’s my job…well…that’s a whole ’nother monster I don’t even wanna get into. But, you know me better than anyone else…so, you have to understand….I have certain responsibilities now...and expectations to live up to. I have not been neglecting you…in fact, I’ve been bustin’ my @ss everyday just so we can be together…without any restrictions or worrying about how the gas bill will get paid or where we’re gonna live next month. And listen…just because I’m not here 24/7 doesn’t automatically mean I’m not thinking about you or that I forgot about you. Come on now…that don’t even sound right.”
She stood in the doorway, unconvinced…so I continued.
“What? You really think that I’ve forgotten about you? Lemme tell you a lil’ somethin’. I walk out of this house everyday with two thoughts in my head. One…I wish I didn’t have to leave you. Two…I can’t wait to see you when I get back home. And for you to stand there like, “Oh Chris, you’ve been neglecting me.” absolutely blows my mind. Lemme ask you this…how in the hell can I forget about you when just about everything I come in contact with reminds me of you? I see you in magazines, billboards, television, clothing….everywhere. I’m not playin’! When I was out with _______ and _______ last week, at the end of the night I was sittin’ by myself at the station, waiting for the last train, half drunk, eating a steak n’ cheese. While I sat on the bench I looked through the open roof to a pale orange moon set in a dark violet backdrop. By itself it was nothing. But combined with the complementary hues in the architecture, the lighting on a nearby brick building, the miscellaneous late night faces who would stumble past, and the eerie calm you get when 95 percent of the city’s population is fast asleep…it was like a surreal movie played in slow motion. I thought all that it needed was a soundtrack. Something like...”You got me”, by the Roots. And why does sitting drunk at a train station have me thinking of you? Because YOU were the one who showed me how to see all those things! You taught me how to see beauty in the ordinary! Now, I can’t go anywhere without seeing a reminder of you! But when I get home to share this…and build something from it…you’re out…you’re not here.”
She remained emotionless…so I proceeded to erupt.
“Oh, and that just means absolutely nothin’ to you, right?! Maybe if you showed a little bit more discretion over who you spent your time with, me tellin’ you some heart-felt sh*t would actually mean somethin’ to you…and you wouldn’t just stand there like my name was Theodore Nobody! You must really think I’m stupid. Yeah, I saw you!!! Yeah, Miss Slick Sh*t…YOU!!! I’ve been seein’ you…runnin’ with those little corny dudes!!! Yeah, that’s right…all posted up on his arm, making his tight Armarni shirt wearin’ @ss look like a lucky punk. I SAW YOU!!! Look do you really think I need you? Do you really think that this door won’t close, lock, and leave you outside with Joe Wack and his misconceptions of what hot is? You of all people know my name. And at the end of the day…it’s just me. And you are no exception to that rule. And don’t think you’re being slick by sittin’ up in my face and sayin’ “Yeah, so I was with him.” because…I know about the women, too. Yeah, the women. How can I not? You’ve been everywhere! I even saw you on the internet. My man pointed out a couple of sites…so I took me a look. And there you were…and it was obvious that you had been makin’ them losers you’ve been hangin’ with start to feel themselves a little…givin’ MY sh*t away to total strangers!!! And here I am working for us…lookin’ like a chump. How…do you think…that makes me feel?!! I said… how do YOU think that makes ME feel!?!! HOW THE F*CK DO YOU THINK THAT MAKES ME FEEL!?!!!!!!”
She threw her hands in my face and turned towards the street…so out of desperation I threw my words around her waist.
“All right…look, look, look, look, look, look …LOOK!!! All right, come on, slow down. Look, just let me tell you how that makes me feel….then you can go. I need you to understand this, just this one thing…then you can just do whatever. Just listen to me. When I see you with other people…I feel like…well…like that could be me. I see the expressions of sanctity on their faces and the way they walk…as if they were part of some exclusive club for the enlightened. And the sight of them feels like little pins sticking into my soul because at one time…that was me…walking with you as if I were emancipated. And what hurts the most is if I didn’t have all this bullsh*t going on…that could be me…again…that could be us. Listen...remember when we first met? I couldn’t have been more than 8 years old…riding in the car with my Dad to Providence. Of all places, I saw you off the expressway, under an overpass…do you remember what colors you were wearing? No? You were draped in shades of red and gold…looking like a young sighting of the Madonna. Blessing a forgotten landscape and giving people in despair a glimpse of hope. As we entered the city I saw you again at a corner store, again at the bus stop, and then again at my father’s building…each time more breathtaking than the next. Yeah, that’s when I nervously picked up a marker and asked you to be a part of my life…you looked at my amateurish scribble, blushed, and said “Yes”. We spent a lot of time together back then, didn’t we? Yeah, those were good times…“sigh”….I don’t know how things got so f*cked up. Well…yeah I do…I got f*cked up. Me and this “I can juggle heaven and earth” attitude while being blindfolded with machismo. That’s why I didn’t see you fall to the ground. But that’s my shortcoming, that’s my fault…I don’t want you to leave me for it. I want to apologize for neglecting you, I want you to trust me, and I want you to see that you are the motivation for everything I do.”
Her icy stare softened, so I drew closer and put her hands in mine.
“Look…I don’t want to come off as sounding corny or cliché…but I know that this is not the first time a man has expressed himself to a woman, so I might be repeating something my father said at one time to my mother …or something I’ve seen in a movie. But let me assure you, the source of my words is real. I want you to know that…without you…I am nothing. Without you…my world is a grimy concrete bed, blanketed by cold grey drizzle in a night that never ends. Without you…all I can see is the equivalent of a bread and water diet, never questioning anything’s meaning, purpose, or possible alternative on the menu. Without you…all of my accomplishments will become the object of misdirected blame and resentment as they get discarded along with all of my future dreams, hopes and ambitions for happiness. Without you…my soul is one blunt and empty over-proof bottle away from being back at that train station, except the Roots would now be replaced by John Lee Hooker’s “Burning Hell” as every train that passes by adds one year to my life. Without you…I simply would have had no reason to get out of bed this morning...or open my eyes. Without you...I might as well have been born blind. So for all those reasons…and more…I need you. Without you…I cannot be Chris. In fact, without you…I don’t know who I’d be. And…that scares me. Listen…I need you. For all the things you've helped me see...you have to see that in my eyes. Without you…I am nothi….”
She stopped me with a soft kiss...
And once again I started to see the beauty in things.
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