A long time ago…
...I had a friend. She was like a sister to me. For her I would drop anything I was doing, drop any amount of money, or drop anybody to the ground to help her out. My loyalty for her grew without her even knowing it. She was just happy to have someone show up at her job and break the monotony of a slow day at the insurance desk. And I was just happy to just have someone sit there and listen...and help me make sense of things. We’ve seen a lot of good times together. Perhaps, more good times than bad in retrospect. She even asked me to be the Godfather to her son…which I proudly accepted and scrapped all plans of relocating to another city. She was my female equivalent of Agent B or Slick Talk. I called her Blizz or Your Highness because she loved the taste of herb. In fact, that’s how we started callin’ it “Hey Man”. Because every time she got lifted she’d look at you and say, “Heeeyyyyy maaaaaannnnn…” I really cared for her. She was my extended family.
It didn’t become apparent to me how much I cared for her until she had her son. At the time I was working at an architecture firm downtown and one of the top architects sent out an e-mail saying he was giving away an 85’ Volvo in exchange for the tax write-off. Me not having a car and trooping my laundry and groceries up and down a big hill every week…the free car sounded great. But the architect that was giving it away was a muthaf*ckin’ pretentious c*ck-sucking little snot (excuse my language…but he was really a d*ck) and I made my feelings about him known on several occasions. Asking him for the car was not an option. But then I thought about Blizz and how hard it must be for her to do the same domestic chores, especially lugging around a newborn, so I decided to swallow my pride and ask dude for the car. I walked into his office with my tail between my legs, told him about Blizz and if he gave the car to her it would be a significant improvement on her life and make things a lot easier for her. I just approached him on some man-sh*t like, “O.K. I know we don’t get along but…” He looked at me, knowing he had my manhood in a nutcracker, and told me he’d think about it. A couple of days later he said that he decided to give the car to someone else and the way he said it felt like a knife being twisted in my gut. He knew exactly what he was doing….that c*ck-sucker. And I knew the chances of him giving me that car were slim to none, but for Blizz I had to try. To this day, I have never told her this.
A little while after that, things started to change between me and Blizz. I know that she was struggling at the time, hell we we’re all trying to stay above water back then. But I don’t know exactly what happened. Maybe I said the wrong thing and insulted her, or she disapproved who I chose to be with, or she thought I was someone I was not, or maybe it’s that we just grew up…but she silently turned from me. When you’ve been tight with someone for over a decade you know when they’re upset with you…but through all my attempts to reach out to her she never spoke on it. Even though she was silent her actions screamed, “I want nothing to do with you, Chris.” And I’ve seen her behave this way with her girlfriends from time to time and their reaction has always been to cry and then whimper, “Why are you mad at me?” But the problem is I’m not a girl. I couldn’t come at her like that. So I just let her do what she had to do. Even though losing her friendship hurt I gave her the space she needed….and decided that I was unable to have a close non-sexual relationship with a female. I said, “Men and women are just different creatures. Dudes get up and brush themselves off and say, ‘good hit’…while women are drama-prone and fickle.” Or maybe that’s just a bullsh*t excuse I used to explain her behavior and even why my relationship with my own sister is less than stellar. Anyway, I just went on with my life and secretly wished her well. Since we shared mutual friends it wasn’t always easy, but I managed to resist going to gathering where she’d be present so not to make her or anyone else uncomfortable. I think she did the same.
Recently she surprised me by showing up at a party. I was really surprised because I was one of the people the party was for. And for the first time in three years she gave me a “hello” that didn’t seemed forced or reluctant. She seemed comfortable and at peace with whatever was fueling her anger. It was good to see her, good to see her smile, and good to hear her laugh…even at my stupid jokes. When she laughed it reminded me of the girl who used to sit next to me in a downtown Saturday matinee, laughing at my commentary while sipping on a wine cooler. We really didn’t speak at the party. I wanted to. I wanted to find out how she was doing and all that…but something stopped me. I think it’s because I really wanted to ask her, “What did I do?” But I didn’t have the words and that life just all seemed so far away. Maybe, I’ve changed. Well, I know I have. I’m not the same guy who used to give her a piggy-back ride down Huntington Ave; who used to wait outside her apartment until she got inside; who used to give dudes who wanted talk to her a “Treat Blizz Bad Get Beat-down” warning and I think she saw that. So, at the end of the party she gave me a small hug and I thanked her for coming.
I may appear to be skilled in expressing my emotions, but the reality is…some just never seem to come out right.
It didn’t become apparent to me how much I cared for her until she had her son. At the time I was working at an architecture firm downtown and one of the top architects sent out an e-mail saying he was giving away an 85’ Volvo in exchange for the tax write-off. Me not having a car and trooping my laundry and groceries up and down a big hill every week…the free car sounded great. But the architect that was giving it away was a muthaf*ckin’ pretentious c*ck-sucking little snot (excuse my language…but he was really a d*ck) and I made my feelings about him known on several occasions. Asking him for the car was not an option. But then I thought about Blizz and how hard it must be for her to do the same domestic chores, especially lugging around a newborn, so I decided to swallow my pride and ask dude for the car. I walked into his office with my tail between my legs, told him about Blizz and if he gave the car to her it would be a significant improvement on her life and make things a lot easier for her. I just approached him on some man-sh*t like, “O.K. I know we don’t get along but…” He looked at me, knowing he had my manhood in a nutcracker, and told me he’d think about it. A couple of days later he said that he decided to give the car to someone else and the way he said it felt like a knife being twisted in my gut. He knew exactly what he was doing….that c*ck-sucker. And I knew the chances of him giving me that car were slim to none, but for Blizz I had to try. To this day, I have never told her this.
A little while after that, things started to change between me and Blizz. I know that she was struggling at the time, hell we we’re all trying to stay above water back then. But I don’t know exactly what happened. Maybe I said the wrong thing and insulted her, or she disapproved who I chose to be with, or she thought I was someone I was not, or maybe it’s that we just grew up…but she silently turned from me. When you’ve been tight with someone for over a decade you know when they’re upset with you…but through all my attempts to reach out to her she never spoke on it. Even though she was silent her actions screamed, “I want nothing to do with you, Chris.” And I’ve seen her behave this way with her girlfriends from time to time and their reaction has always been to cry and then whimper, “Why are you mad at me?” But the problem is I’m not a girl. I couldn’t come at her like that. So I just let her do what she had to do. Even though losing her friendship hurt I gave her the space she needed….and decided that I was unable to have a close non-sexual relationship with a female. I said, “Men and women are just different creatures. Dudes get up and brush themselves off and say, ‘good hit’…while women are drama-prone and fickle.” Or maybe that’s just a bullsh*t excuse I used to explain her behavior and even why my relationship with my own sister is less than stellar. Anyway, I just went on with my life and secretly wished her well. Since we shared mutual friends it wasn’t always easy, but I managed to resist going to gathering where she’d be present so not to make her or anyone else uncomfortable. I think she did the same.
Recently she surprised me by showing up at a party. I was really surprised because I was one of the people the party was for. And for the first time in three years she gave me a “hello” that didn’t seemed forced or reluctant. She seemed comfortable and at peace with whatever was fueling her anger. It was good to see her, good to see her smile, and good to hear her laugh…even at my stupid jokes. When she laughed it reminded me of the girl who used to sit next to me in a downtown Saturday matinee, laughing at my commentary while sipping on a wine cooler. We really didn’t speak at the party. I wanted to. I wanted to find out how she was doing and all that…but something stopped me. I think it’s because I really wanted to ask her, “What did I do?” But I didn’t have the words and that life just all seemed so far away. Maybe, I’ve changed. Well, I know I have. I’m not the same guy who used to give her a piggy-back ride down Huntington Ave; who used to wait outside her apartment until she got inside; who used to give dudes who wanted talk to her a “Treat Blizz Bad Get Beat-down” warning and I think she saw that. So, at the end of the party she gave me a small hug and I thanked her for coming.
I may appear to be skilled in expressing my emotions, but the reality is…some just never seem to come out right.
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home