Run!!!!

A co-worker calls me and leaves a message exclaiming, “Chris I want it to be put on record that you’re the first person I called. Oh, God….I hope you’re in today. We have an emergency and I don’t know who else to go to! It’s the web site! We’re currently reviewing our open contracts to see how much money we have to get an emergency designer in here! Anyway call me as soon as you get this message!”

Once I found out that the problem was simply the wrong closing time on their hours of operation, a few clicks of the mouse, and the problem was solved.

I’m walking down the sidewalk and I noticed a parked compact car with two young children in the back and a woman in the front seat who looked like she was either throwing a violent tantrum or trying to fight off an invisible attacker. I drew close to see her franticly pound the seat, then the dashboard, then the roof, then the window…all while repeatedly using the name of the Lord and several saints in vain.

Once she managed to get the window open the bee flew out on its own accord. The woman and terrified toddlers replaced their crying with desperate gasps of relief.

I’m sitting on a crowed train, and just before the doors close a middle-aged man with a Southern accent screamed, “We have to get off!!!!!” Suddenly, half of the car’s occupants all strapped with over-stuffed duffle bags and suitcases make a mad dash to the door. It looked like a scene from a soccer stadium disaster as these twenty-five or so crazed people pushed elderly women and expectant mothers into each other as they all tried to squeeze through the same space. All the while, their leader was screaming at the door, “Come on!!! Hurry!!! We have to get off!!!!” as if this train were the last helicopter going BACK to Vietnam.

Once the last tourist got off and the train was officially delayed, a police officer who had noticed the disturbance sat the man down, showed him the transit map (the same one displayed onboard the train) and the man realized that he and his group were in fact on the correct train.

Now, why am I telling you these stories? Just to say this.

People, I am tried of seeing you panic.

Ninety-percent of the time it just makes the situation worse for you and everyone unfortunate enough to be near you. Plus have you seen yourself? It’s not pretty. And I’ve seen so many of you panicking over stupid sh*t that I feel I need to make of list of scenarios where it would be acceptable to panic.

I don’t wanna see you panic unless:

1. You are bungee jumping over jagged rock and after taking a 100ft dive you realized you miscalculated and the line is 110 feet long….ok…then you can panic. In fact you can do anything you want because you might not be able to do much for quite some time.

2. You wake up with a bomb handcuffed to your arm, the key is nowhere to be found, there is only 30 seconds left on the timer, and you see a letter from your heartbroken ex on the nightstand…ok…then you can panic. You’ll need the adrenaline to chew your hand off.

3. You realize you’ve been impregnated by an alien and it’s spawn is about to take it’s first breath by popping through your abdomen…ok…then you can panic. If you didn’t, it just wouldn’t seem that believable and I wouldn’t recommend the movie to any of my friends.

4. You look over the city skyline and see a bumpy fire breathing lizard swatting away military fighter jets and taking a bite out of one of the city’s tallest buildings….ok…then you can panic….Japanese style!!!

5. And finally…you are around me and decide you absolutely need to throw an over-dramatic, screaming, grabbing my arm, hissy fit over anything simple or stupid…ok…then you can panic…because this back-handed slap I have for you is gonna be something.