I talked with B the Agent the other day…

...for the first time since the delivery room. After a lengthy conversation about our recent affairs, newly discovered music, and improvised life scenarios that seem to have us cracking up for hours he said, “Man, look at you Skill-killah…all grown and what not. You got a good job, a house, a son, and to boot…a woman who mysteriously loves the hell outta ya punk @ss. You got it, dog.” I gave a small laugh followed by a brief silence which led The Agent to call me by a name that he only does when the mood is serious. “You O.K., Chris?”, he asked. “Yes”, I replied. Then I took a moment and said, “B, in reality what I have is several big pieces of the puzzle. What I don’t have is a clear vision of how they should fit together or even what the finished picture should look like.” B didn’t say anything after that, but I knew he understood.

My life can be categorized into several very different worlds. Each one with pressures and demands that seem to want to take priority over the next. Although, these worlds are filled with people, some close, others not, in my travels within and inbetween them I find myself alone quite a bit. Sometimes walking out of HomeDepot wondering why a piece of plywood costs as much as half a day's pay, or sitting at my desk telling myself to watch my tongue, remember my goals, and stay focused, or trying to hold in the frustration of attempting to live a law-abiding life around people who don’t and never will. While each world is different the one thing they have in common is me, as I’m the element that keeps them together and in existence.

During these times, when I’m alone, music is the one element that helps me keep it together. It provides an outlet, that is readily accessible and at times it’s how I decompress and release myself of burden. Certain songs speak strongly to me through the artists’ struggles, fears, views towards themselves and their lives. If I were ever to make a compilation of music that would illustrate the various stages of my life I’d include several of these songs that I listen to when I’m alone. So, as The Agent and I sat in a car on a small Dorchester side street, we cracked the nearly fogged-up windows and I shared the latest addition to my life’s soundtrack that best documents these times when I'm alone. And we just sat with our eyes closed until the baseline slowly faded away like the lines of my son's tears.

Here is the song and here are the lyrics, which are somewhat incorrect. I guess people hear things differently.

Enjoy.