In a nutshell...

1. I was sitting in on a spades game with a pair of sisters that I had just met. When I told them I was about to become a father one asked if I was married. When I told her I wasn’t she replied, “Oh, you not a father…you just a baby-daddy.”

2. I think I’m a father.

3. This weekend there was an incredible BBQ cook-off and brew festival, in addition to my boy’s all-dude end of the year cookout on Sunday. Well, at least that’s what Slick Talk told me as I was running back and forth to the hospital every three hours learning about Jaundice.

4. Don’t ever throw around the terms “elevated levels” and “brain damage” without a full explanation and not expect me to make your next twenty-four hours a living hell.

5. Hellboy’s ok. Jaundice is a common occurrence among newborns. However, the next time the nurse at the front desk sees me I expect her to subtly reach under the table and press the code red button. Looks like all that emergency disaster training will be utilized after all.

6. In my lifetime I’ve tasted buffalo, shark, ostrich, rabbit, squirrel, and now….breast milk! When I die I will have absolutely NO regrets.

7. About a month ago I informed people I was supposed to start my vacation this week, but due to an overflow in work I needed to spend a couple more weeks at my desk. Most people didn’t know this, and it that was made evident by Mr. Sneaky Sidewinder who thinking I was gone, e-mailed my boss on some bullsh*t emergency issues that he knew only I could answer. To his surprise I gave him a call and then called him on his b*tch move. Sneaky Sidewinder steadily stuttered.

8. He obviously didn’t know The Chocolate Thunder Boy Wonder’s theme song. I have it on constant rotation.

9. I am so sick and tired of certain women who feel they have the right to cut me in line. I’ve had this attempted on me so many times I start to wonder if I’m invisible. They just kinda lean up on me slowly…while I’m thinkin’ in the back of my mind “Ok, what the hell does she think she’s doing?” And I don’t think this ever happens with other women, because they know there’s a very good chance they’ll get hemmed up…especially if the other woman is a Sister. But with me, my only option is to re-establish the rules of civility which normally leads to “Well…I just need this twenty changed”, then bickering. And in my mind that’s a just an energy draining lose-lose situation….and the funny thing is I think they know this.

10. My boys and I, for lack of better things to do, have had this long-running game of giving ourselves names that we could use in the porno industry. As of this moment if you and your significant other happen to rent a skin-flick starring someone by the name of Woody Goodpecker you can assume that I’ve run into some kind of financial hardship.